why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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