if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
