I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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