I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
