mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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