So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
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