he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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