I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
