u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
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