RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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