First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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