Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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