I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
