I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
