Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
