Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
