Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
