Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
