oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
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