I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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