Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
