Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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