im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
