I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
