...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
