i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize