Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
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