wrigley field is MILF paradise
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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