Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
