Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
