Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
