It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Im part way to drunk.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
