i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
