i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
