mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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