Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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