My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
