I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
