The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
The air taste purple.
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