bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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