My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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