i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
