Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
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