I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
