I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
