The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
