I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
