DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
