theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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