This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize