I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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