sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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