It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
