I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
