Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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