i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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