he wants to bone in the snuggie
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
